If Your Kid is Named Honey Boo Boo, You Have Failed as a Parent
I’ll pretty much watch any form of reality tv. I love people, especially unique ones. Reality tv is my guilty pleasure. Up until recently I thought that I had seen everything that reality tv had to offer. Then my Facebook newsfeed blew up with people talking about a hit new show on TLC called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I like to be a part of the national conversation so I decided to check it out. Within minutes of watching the show, I realized that I had reached rock bottom as a reality tv viewer.
The show revolves around a family of rednecks. It is a spin off from the TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras. On that show, a young spoiled brat named Alana aka Honey Boo competes in beauty pageants. Her mother fuels her up before competitions by having her drink pints of Mountain Dew. Alana calls it her “go go” juice. If you want a sneak peak into what causes obesity in children, look no further. The family went on to charm TLC and before you knew it they were given a show of their own.
The star of Here Comes Honey Boo is June aka Mama. She is the head of the household and may be the most repulsive woman in the history of television. In the opening credits, she farts and pretends that it is the work of her kids. Aesthetically, she is very unappealing. She’s 32. That is one year for each chin that she has. She is about to become a grandmother. She showers in her kitchen sink. She tells her kids that if they fart between 12 and 15 times a day, they can lose weight. She looks like a cross between Kevin Malone from The Office and Mrs. Beakley from the 90s cartoon Duck Tales.
June’s parenting tactics and mannerisms are quite disturbing. Her idea of feeding her kids breakfast is by throwing a box of cheese balls in the middle of the floor and letting the kids have at it. She calls it the breakfast of champions. Her favorite hobby is couponing which she says is better than sex. I would imagine her lover agrees with that statement because anything is better than sex with Mama. I say lover because she is not married. Her partner is named Sugar Bear. Mama calls him her Shack Em Up Mate. She said it wasn’t love at first sight. It was bed at first sight. Gross. They’ve been together for 8 years and in a recent episode they went out to dinner for their anniversary at Crockett’s Cafeteria. It marked 8 years they’ve been together and 8 years of man lowering his standards to record levels. Mama attempted to be romantic by eating with utensils for once. She did a great job until food got stuck in between the layers of fat on her neck. Sugar Bear was not impressed.
Aside from Alana, Mama has a few other kids. One is named Pumpkin. She has zero respect for her mother. In a scene where they are at a supermarket, Pumpkin says, “Mommy, look what I found. It is rust remover. Maybe it will help you remove your neck crust.” She was not joking. Mama literally gets neck crust stuck in the spaces between her chins and she forgets to clean it. Please take a few seconds to relieve your nausea. Isn’t Sugar Bear a lucky man?
So what else does this family like to do? They like to exercise their creativity. It is just about the only thing they exercise. On hot days, they throw a tarp on the ground, add some soap, hose it down, and create what they call a redneck waterslide. Jessica aka Chubbs, who is another daughter, says it is like having their own amusement park. She has eaten one too many cheese balls for breakfast. The girls also like to go out for pedicures. As Pumpkin’s pregnant sister Chickadee points out, her feet are so crusty that she can sandpaper the floor. Mama has a lot to be proud of. In an unsurprising revelation, Mama is insecure about showing off her feet because her foot was once run over by a forklift thus leaving her toes mangled. #redneckproblems
The show is a microcosm of all that is wrong with modern American society. First off, the rednecks on this show are completely shameless when it comes to their behavior. They glorify reckless teenage pregnancy. They don’t really have a problem with their obesity. They have a strange pride in their debaucheries like their Summer redneck games. It is as if they are living in a zoo and have no idea how the rest of the world conducts themselves. We really shouldn’t be glorifying people like this and yet we do. I’m guilty as charged. I detest nearly everything that Mama stands for and yet I contribute to her paycheck by watching the show. It is the same reason some people rubber neck. It is the same reason some people read US Weekly. We are a curious breed. I’d like to see the show fail. I think that some of Mama’s parental tactics border on child abuse. I’d like to see teachers, nurses, scientists, etc. have their own shows instead of people like this. Unfortunately, with shows like this, Jersey Shore, and Toddlers and Tiaras generating big ratings, it doesn’t look like things are going to change. Unabashed shamelessness is very much in vogue on television nowadays and I’ll probably continue watching. God help me. God help us all.