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Q&A (Volume 1)

July 17, 2012

During weeks when my creative juices aren’t flowing as much, I’d like to turn to my readers and answer some of their questions. In this week’s inaugural Q&A session, we talk about video game athletes, Beverly Hills 90210, facial hair on Presidential candidates, and a variety of other topics. Here are a few questions that were asked:

Q: Lance Ten Broeck, former star of PGA Tour Golf ’92 on Sega Genesis, made an out of nowhere comeback to take the lead after two rounds at this week’s US Senior Open. Ten Broeck was a former PGA Tour journeyman turned caddy for Jesper Parnevik. What former elite video game athlete would you like to see make a comeback?

A: I’d love to see the fat guy with the mustache on Nintendo Ice Hockey serve as a goon for the Flyers. I also have a lot of respect for John Elway in John Elway’s Quarterback. The Sixers would be greatly improved with the front court addition of the version of Charles Barkley from Barkley, Shut Up and Jam. However, the answer has to be Randall Cunningham aka QB Eagles in Tecmo Super Bowl. QB Eagles may have been the greatest video game athlete ever. He was the ultimate weapon. I am a huge Randall fan. I once attended the Randall Cunningham Show and used to snack on Randall Cunningham bars as a kid. I would love to see him back. On a side note, “Let me be me.”-Randall Cunningham is a great high school yearbook quote.

Q: How do you feel about the Sixers signing Kwame Brown?

A: Do you remember in the movie Space Jam when aliens take away Charles Barkley’s powers and he can’t play basketball? That’s Kwame Brown.

Q: In honor of national ice cream day (July 15th), I would like to know why did they do away with Fat Frog and whatever happened to ice cream trucks?
–Kris, Winter Park, FL

A: Ice cream trucks are still around. There is one that comes around my neighborhood every now and then. The only problem is that I never know when it is coming. I’m very big on social media. I created a social media app about a year and a half ago. If there was ever an industry that would be “well served” by integrating with social media, it would have to be the ice cream truck one. That way people could locate it and plan accordingly. As for the flavors, I don’t know why they did away with Fat Frog. I think the whole allure early on about ice cream trucks was that there were only certain flavors that you could get from them. For instance, my favorite ice cream truck treat of all-time was the WWF Superstar Bar. It was never carried in supermarkets. The ice cream truck was the lone carrier. It was delicious. Ravishing Rick Rude’s enticing spandex pants and hip gyrations were sold separately.

Q: Shark Week is coming up pretty soon. Are you excited?

A: I’m not a Shark Week guy. However, I enjoy marketing. If I was Hugh Hefner and I was running the Playboy Channel, I would counter Shark Week with Cougar Week. It would be a brilliant move.

Q: If you had to construct an NBA expansion team and your coaching staff had to consist of bald Hollywood actors, who would you select?
–Kyle, Philly

Head Coach: I like old school disciplinarians in the mold of Bobby Knight. I’m going to have to go with James Tolkan, the guy who played Principal Strickland in Back to the Future and Stinger in Top Gun. He would inject fear and discipline into every player and young upstarts need that. I would love to see him yank some hot headed rookie in the middle of the game and tell him, “Son, your ego is writing checks that your body can’t cash.”

Assistant Coach: You’d like someone who sticks to Tolkan’s disciplinary philosophy but who is a little bit more reserved and can keep the players loose. You don’t want the players to burn out. This is a tough call between Samuel L. Jackson and Louis Gossett, Jr. but I’m going to have to go with Diggstown.

Trainer: I’m going to have to go with Tony “Duke” Evers from Rocky. He was the former trainer of Apollo Creed and Rocky Balboa. He has a championship pedigree and would provide the team with great inspirational quotes. A team can never have enough hurt bombs.

Q: What fictional tv character had the most impressive resume?

A: My immediate reaction is to say McGyver. If he was applying for a contracting job, his resume would blow everyone else’s out of the water, literally and figuratively. However, it is Summer time and a lot of college grads are looking for work so let’s look at who had the most impressive resume through college. My preliminary vote is for Brandon Walsh. The guy worked his way through high school by bussing tables at the Peach Pit while serving as sports editor and co-chief of the school paper, The Beverly Blaze. In college, he was the co-editor of the campus paper, The Condor, news director of the campus tv station CUTV, an intramural flag football star, worked in Washington, DC, and was student body President as a Junior. If you look up ambition in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of Brandon Walsh and his sideburns. He also had intangibles that were off the charts. He was the moral fiber in a group of friends that dealt with alcoholism, lawsuits, anorexia, drug addiction, murder, and a suicide attempt.

Q: Zack Morris got a 1502 on his SATs. Where did those bonus two points come from?
–Andy, Philly

A: In the days when Zack took the SATs, your score had to be divisible by 10. It was impossible for anyone to get a 1502. The points didn’t come from anywhere. It was a fake number. Zack’s high SAT score and admission into Yale and Jesse Spano’s subsequent lower SAT score was one of television’s great college admissions stories. It ranks right up there with Will getting a higher SAT score than Carlton and getting accepted into Princeton. They don’t test for emotional intelligence but you would have to assume that the Fresh Prince and Zack would have scored off the charts if they did. Speaking of Zack’s exam, Mr. Tuttle had to have been the proctor of that test, right? That guy just looks like a proctor.

Q: Do you think Dylan McKay has any of his trust fund money left? He’s been traveling the world for the past 20 yrs, has Jim Walsh and Iris McKay on his side but also did almost lose it all when he lent a ton to his kid sister’s mom and boyfriend, luckily Val and Jonesy helped get most of it back (but proves he’s generous and somewhat naive with the money). And was he entitled to any his wife’s, Antonio Marchette, money when she passed? Don’t recall a prenup discussion, although given the relationship between he and her father, he probably didn’t approach that subject.
–Bill, Philly

A: I think that it is all gone. Dylan McKay never exactly had the greatest work ethic. He was a bit of a slacker. If you’ll recall his answering machine message simply said, “This is Dylan. You know the drill.”

I tossed this question to my friend Monica, a 90210 maven, and this was her response, “I did watch a few episodes of the new edition 90210, when Kelly made her guest appearance as guidance counselor/Silver big sister, and it appears her and Dylan have a young son. So I have to believe some of the money is going towards that—-and his endless tab at the Peach Pit—poor Nat won’t be able to retire until he pays up!”

Q: What personal-style choices should (or would) automatically disqualify someone from a presidential bid? A mustache? Being overly tan? A muffin top or visible underwear line?
–Marisa, Boston

A: In today’s day and age, all of these choices are fair game for disqualification. Let’s start with the mustache/facial hair. Facial hair is about as common in politics as monogamy. Congressman Sonny Bono was one of the few politicians who could pull off the mustache. Mustaches are generally synonymous with deceit and that doesn’t fly in politics. The last President to rock facial hair was Harry Truman, who once sported a goatee while on vacation. The greatest bearded President of all-time was Abraham Lincoln. The greatest mustached President of all-time was Teddy Roosevelt. Chester A. Arthur had the greatest mutton chops ever. Those looks were part of the era. Sadly, I don’t think we’ll see the leader of the free world sport facial hair in the near future.

The muffin top would not fly today, either. We’re a far too weight conscious society. I think spray tanning would hurt a candidate’s chances across the board but it would do a lot to secure votes in North Jersey and the vote of the old lady in Something About Mary in the crucial swing state of Florida. I think that CNN’s John King would probably agree with me that if Mitt Romney were caught rocking jorts, he would certainly take a hit in the polls with younger voters.

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